New Normal?

I am up, I have been up since 4AM. I am not up by choice, but rather because of pain. I think this may seem as though I am complaining. I see it as journaling my progress and life change. I have a new normal, and one that I am not happy about, but yet I know I am blessed. Do not take this as though I pity myself or my circumstances. I know and believe that everything happens for a reason, and I know that these things that happen are for our good. They are to make us better, stronger, smarter, honorable, loyal, and so many more things. I am so very blessed and I believe I must start with that rather than the trial. I have the best husband. He has been patient with my disease, he has been such a wonderful and honorable man. He woke up with me tonight when he knew how much pain I was in and laid across my legs. Rubbing them does not help it makes my legs feel like they are bruised, I cannot even describe it. So he lays on them, his warmth and the weight either distracts me or relieves the pain, I cannot tell which. I absolutely HATE to take my medication to relieve the pain, I am so afraid of addiction and dependence. I despise the fact that I require a medication to function. Kevin always tells me that my quality of life is better when I am not in pain, and I am sure that I am nicer, but he never mentions that :) I make sure I only take a certain amount in a day, and I make sure that I never take it at night because I cannot sleep when I am on it. I take a sleep aid so that I can sleep without feeling the pain, until nights like these when even that does not help. I had to take my medication this morning, and I hate that I did. It does not even take all the pain away, but I am thankful for it. I am blessed to have it, I think of the "old days" and wonder what others did for pain relief? Kevin is so loving and he listens, how wonderful is that?
Other blessings include my kids. Who would have guessed that my 4 year old can take care of me? My 4 year old can lay by me and comfort me, shouldn't it be the other way around? She has such patience and a true spirit of compassion. She too woke up when I was in pain at 4AM, I did not even know she was asleep on my floor in my room, but there she was when I stumbled out of the room to get the medicine, I tripped because I am so weak when the pain is substantial, she asked, "Mommy, are you OK?" I was taken back, first of all because she was in my room and second of all because she should be asleep and yet she is awake and wants to help. When I came back from getting the medicine Kevin woke up and laid on my legs. There was Aja in the bed with me and Kev. I said, "honey you need to go to sleep, it is still bedtime." She said, "No Mommy, me and Daddy are taking care of you." How can that not bring tears to your eyes? I wish we were all like little children. She is the most amazing child. All of my kids have learned so much about responsibility from this illness. Kee'Onu yesterday said, "Mommy, you need to stop, I will do this." I love the compassion from him as well, but I also dislike that it has to be used on me. They all have learned how to care for a baby, which is not too hard I guess when it is the cutest baby ever! It has been hard to be weak, in pain, and sometimes bedridden with a baby, but she has been such a happy blessing to us. She is the one who makes it easier when a burden befalls us.
The next blessing is Kevin's job. He is good at it, he loves it, I love it, and he serves others. It is a more secure job in an economy like this, the city froze ALL raises, but he has a job when so many others do not.
I also am so thankful for the roof over our heads. It is warm, safe, and beautiful. We may have it for sale, but it is still ours. In this home we have a basement apartment which will be rented out on May 1, this is a HUGE blessing when I am not working. I also love our yard and that our children can be entertained in it for hours and hours.
I have the best family. My mom is my other ear. She is loving and wants to serve others regardless of her illness. She has had teeth pain for years, and is now having to get it all fixed. This has been a stress financially for her and my dad, but yesterday after a 5.5 hour dental visit, the endodontist was finally able to detect which tooth it was. The other dentists thought it was a molar, but he determined it was a pre-molar. It took him over an hour and about 10 shots to just numb the area. He said to her he had no clue how she was living with this tooth and pain for so long. She too has had to have pain medication to help, and she feels embarrassed about it, she is also embarrassed that she has had to ask for the medication when other dentists could not see the root that was so bad. Our prayers were answered when the endodontist had special x-ray technology that splits the tooth in half and was able to see that it was actually a tooth that no one was looking at. He could not believe how bad it actually was. I think this validated my mom's pain. She called me and cried yesterday because he was able to tell her that this is extremely painful and that he knows the pain medication sometimes only takes the edge off. So our prayers were answered, her tooth that has caused her so much pain is fixed, and she only has maybe 2 more that need pulled and some bridges, I think she can handle that if she could handle a 5.5 hour dental appointment that caused some excruciating pain. Yeah! So mom I love you and am so blessed to have you, and am thankful that God hears us.
I have the most wonderful friends. It is times like these that I feel like my friends are and have become a part of my family. Kev and I have said we do not know what we would do without them. I am privileged to have them in my life.
There are so many other things I am thankful for, but one of the last ones I will list is that of Worker's Compensation. It has helped to keep us a float until now. Nearly 6 months of income that allowed me to heal and not to worry so much about income. It is only 66% of what I usually make, but it is something and that is better than nothing. I say it has kept us a float until now because it has, but when I went back to work for 2 hours a WEEK, yep you saw that right 2 hours a week, they had miscommunication with my employer and stopped sending checks. That was March 9. This has created some stress that has caused me to digress somewhat. I guess when you go back to work and it is not your usual hours and you are on modified duty they require that you send your check stub in and then they subtract what your gross is from what they pay you and then send a check. When they cut the check it takes me 7-10 days to receive it, DUMB! Funny thing my checks from work have been $0 because they are taking out my insurance and taxes, but workers comp still subtracts the gross from their amount. AAHHHHH! Plus they are 2 checks behind. So in the end I am thankful for it, but stressed because of it.
Now here are my worries and trials. I went to school for so many years to become a nurse. I had 4 babies in between 10 years of school, and yet knew it was a calling to me in life. I am so worried that I may never be able to do what I love. I know this is premature to think, but I can't help it when that thought crosses my mind. I cringe and then I stop and I think, my Heavenly Father would not allow that. He would not have guided me through school for years and all that incredible stress for my nursing career to be over in 2 years. I have faith that I will work again, I will be a nurse, but I am not sure that it will be anytime soon. Ironic that because I was a nurse I got ill in the first place!?!
I have 5 beautiful children, I am young, and yet my new normal is nothing like it was. I have to plan out the activities in the week days apart. If something is on consecutive days I worry that I will not be able to do both. I have been blessed in that I am not in a wheelchair, unless I go somewhere that requires a lot of walking, but I am also at home and not in a rehab facility, which many patients are still with Guillain Barre. I have middle of the day "do absolutely nothing" times. It usually is around 1-5. When I have to get my kids I just come right back home and continue to rest. I feel so lazy or even like I am a bad Mom. I know my kids understand, and sometimes I can do more and yet when I cannot they still love me. I also have a limp. I hate it. It is more prevalent when I am in pain, or weaker due to doing too much, but I am walking on my own so another blessing amidst all the yuck!
So my new normal is actually better than I thought when I look at the other things to be thankful for. It may not be the life I saw for myself at this age, but I have to say I have so many beautiful distractions, that most of the time I am not able to dwell on the bad. My prayers are at this point that my children are healthy, happy, and fed. Kevin continues to excel at his job. My mom continues to feel better with every tooth repair. Our financial situation improves. That recent extended family issues change for the better, and relationships repair because I love them. Lastly, that I gain strength back, my limp disappears, and my excruciating pain is gone! I pray for this and yet I thank Him for everything, even my current illness, which I am sure is for a reason!